There's Never A Line For The Men's Room

More Talk About Poop

2009-09-22T13:29:00.007-05:00

You'll all be thrilled to know that after three days of standing in a bathtub full of cat shit, I finally solved the problem.Here is a list of things that did NOT fix the clog:1 bottle of Drano Max Gel2 bottles of Liquid-Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake2 cans of Liquid-Plumr Power JetSeveral applications of Drain Out Crystal Clog Remover Regular household plumbing snake (toilet auger) Not so regular,

There Is Poop In My Bathtub

2009-09-16T11:19:00.006-05:00

I'm going to start out by saying that I buy the all natural, pine, biodegradable, flushable kitty litter for many reasons but number one being that I'm lazy and I like that if I don't clean it for three days, the litter box still smells pine fresh (unlike the other stuff), and I can just flush it down the toilet rather than having to walk all the way out to the trash can with a bag of poo (unlike

National Hug Someone Day

2009-09-11T09:00:00.005-05:00

The staff* at "There's Never A Line For The Men's Room" is officially declaring today, September 11, National Hug Someone You Love Day.Go ahead, hug someone. And if you can't find someone that you love to hug, then hug anyone. And if you can't find anyone at all to hug, well here's a nice big one for you-*For the sake of full disclosure, I will admit that by staff I mean myself and my two very

"Special"

2009-09-08T16:33:00.005-05:00

This is an everyday, if not multiple times a day occurrence. And even though I want to yell at her for scratching up the screen door, it's very hard when my mind's all "Oh no, what if she does this when I'm not home and gets stuck there for hours?"Oh my poor, special kitty. She's terrible and cranky and has scratched no less than a dozen children since she's lived with us but she's so damn

The Sacrifices We Make

2009-09-04T12:10:00.018-05:00

I hate exercise. But man-friend started this thing a couple months ago about "I've always said the woman I'm with has to take care of herself," and I'll be honest, when he said that to me, I was truly tempted to pinch one of his giant man boobs so hard that the nipple would come off. And then stuff it up that oversized ass of his."How's that for taking care of myself bitch?"But I didn't.

He Sweats Awesome

2009-07-29T19:01:00.007-05:00

(Click on picture to enlarge)And every morning for breakfast, he eats a hearty bowl of "super-cool".

The Truth Is

2009-07-11T09:50:00.001-05:00

The truth is, I just really don't like the bitch.I've tried, I really have. I've tried being nice to her, even defended her in public situations when her name got brought up and other people sucked their teeth and rolled their eyes. And maybe I shouldn't say this in my blog since it's a very public place and people from my real life read it and many are sure to know exactly who I'm talking about

I Have No Title, How About That For A Title?

2009-07-07T20:03:00.000-05:00

Shayne, I loved you from the moment I met you. I'll always remember the times we cuddled up on grandma's couch and read books or watched cartoons; the times we'd go to the park with Shafai and swing on the swings or play basketball; the times when I held you just because...I'll always miss your smile, your hair, your skin, your voice, your hugs, your kisses, your

Stop This World From Spinning

2009-07-01T15:43:00.009-05:00

I don't believe in God. Let's get that out of the way straight off the bat. I used to believe in God and now I don't. I went to Catholic school for 11 years and was taught to believe and I did, but I don't anymore. I tried different forms of Christianity and different religions in general but none of them did it for me either. I thought about it, and thought about it some more. And the end

A Time In His Life He'd Rather Forget

2009-06-24T20:39:00.000-05:00

"Look mom I have a nimple.""A what?""A nimple. Right here on my cheek.""A dimple?""Nooooooo.""A nipple?""A NIM-ple.""You definitely mean a dimple.""Oh...well what's a nimple?"I'd say it's a word you just made up that sounds like a cross between dimple and nipple.""What's a nipple?""You know, the things you sucked on, bit, fondled drank from for the first year of your life.""Ugghhh MOM! I told

Eight

2009-06-22T20:56:00.011-05:00

My baby turned eight yesterday.I'd like to think that there are more civilized societies out there, places where kids are better behaved and where they listen to their parents when they tell them "You will stop growing right now!" and that if we lived in one of those places, my son would still be two years old and a cuddly little mix of baby and boy, an adorable little creature who spoke in a

Sad But True

2009-06-11T20:14:00.007-05:00

Today I decided it would be a good idea to spin around as fast as I could in my computer chair. This lasted for about 30 seconds until I threw up.I have found at least 4 gray hairs.I look down on all music made after 1998.I have a wrinkle.My favorite thing to do on a Friday night involves reading a good book and cuddling with a seven year old.Air fresheners excite me.All the University students

The Divine Baby Jesus and Scratchy Butt

2009-05-29T12:44:00.005-05:00

Found these Divino Nino Jesus prayer candles at PriceRite yesterday and just had to get them. There were only three left so I grabbed them all. My apologies to anyone who will not get a racially and quite possibly sexually inaccurate Baby Jesus candle because of my greed. Guess you'll just have to pray to Saint Jude instead. There are plenty Saint Jude candles left.Since I work on a tight

I'd Like To Dedicate This Song To You.

2009-05-12T07:33:00.004-05:00

My sister turned me onto this series, Flight of the Conchords a few months ago and even though this is way back from the pilot episode, it's still one of my favorites.I might venture to say this is the best song I've ever heard, but with all the crap that they're putting on the radio now, that really isn't that hard to believe is it?So now, I'd like to dedicate this song to you...the most

A Letter To My Sister

2009-05-04T07:50:00.002-05:00

Dear Michelle,When you go around telling people how horrible I was to you growing up, I want you to look back at this picture and remember that I HELD YOUR DRESS UP SO YOUR BOOBIES WOULDN'T SHOW!!!Love,Your Sister

When It Comes To Penises

2009-04-28T08:10:00.026-05:00

"Why do you only date black men?"It was an innocent question, posed by a simply curious friend, but an annoying question just the same. A question that shouldn't have to be answered, a preference that should have to be explained no more than she (a white woman) should have to explain why she dates only white men.But I will explain.I have been with this man for the past 3.5ish years. ------->He

Son Of A Bitch

2009-04-22T13:55:00.004-05:00

I was sitting in bed the other night making my niece a tutu and I saw a spider crawling up my blanket. It was a terrible, brown, creepy thing-looked like this--->I couldn't get up because there was fabric and thread and flowers and scissors all over the place but I couldn't let it bite me because I'm ridiculously allergic to spider bites ... Oh the dilemma! My life is so interesting, don't you

Tears

2009-04-15T07:25:00.002-05:00

I've always believed that for every tragedy there are a finite number of tears that must be cried before the pain can be resolved. Whether shared by a nation or burdening one person alone, whether shed all at once or spread over years, every last required tear must fall before the sadness that has made her bed in our souls is ready to leave. Gorillabuns is a blog that I've always liked, one I

A Cell Phone? You're Seven!!!

2009-04-13T13:13:00.002-05:00

After seeing the ginormous basket of sugar that the Easter bunny had left-"Oh.""What? What could possibly be wrong?""I didn't get what I really wanted.""And what would that be?""A cell phone.""Um, I think you're confusing Easter with Christmas. But if you don't want the candy, I'll eat it.""No it's okay. I'll eat it."And then he did.

April 4, 2009: Lesson Of The Day

2009-04-06T09:48:00.005-05:00

Lesson Of The Day: The eleventh commandment states that "Christians are always right about religion and thou shalt not argue with them unless thou wants to spend all of eternity burning in hell".

Victoria's Chubby Cousin's Secret

2009-03-31T07:31:00.013-05:00

Status update: MISS AWESOME has decided that this summer she will look like this--------><----------- This could prove to be tough because currently she looks more like this, and has estimated she needs to lose 1,809,346 lbs before she will walk out of the house in a bathing suit that doesn't look like this---------->So, Miss Awesome has been working out. Every night, before bed she exercises

A Poem About Getting Old

2009-02-19T01:14:00.005-05:00

Found a gray hair today.Plucked it.Cursed it out for being there.Named it "Baby Daddy".Threw gray hair in garbage today.Tried to forget it was ever there.Realized that much like real "Baby Daddy", it would just keep coming back.Forever.Found a gray hair today.Cried a little.For all the "Baby Daddies" gray hairs that will never go away.Went and bought some hair dye.

Big Daddy Dead Legs I Promise To Mourn Your Passing

2009-02-09T11:09:00.004-05:00

Someone once told me that daddy long legs are one of the most poisonous spiders except their weak fangs can't break through human skin so they're virtually harmless to us.But I have thin skin and am very sensitive to insect bites.So I killed the daddy long leg that was in my shower last night and tried really hard not to feel bad about it.And then I read today that it's all a myth and daddy long

Alcohol Gives Me Rhythm

2009-02-06T19:11:00.002-05:00

Get it here.

I Am THE Shit.

2009-01-28T09:59:00.001-05:00

1. I'm buying a house this year. The house doesn't know it but it's getting bought.2. The only houses around here that I can afford are so broken that no one will give me a loan for them. For the life of me, I can't figure out why having a working toilet is so damn important to loan officers. I learned a long time ago how to pee in the bushes.3. I have one son and I don't want any more children,

Dream Job

2009-01-06T09:26:00.004-05:00

If there was a job which required sleeping all the time, I'd apply for it. I'd apply for it and I'd get it because I'm the best damn sleeper that I've ever met. Even as a little girl I was extremely fond of sleeping. Not too many children ask to take naps but I did.In fact, I can go to bed at 8:00 pm and not wake up again until 10 or 11 the next morning. And even then, I'm ready to go back to

A Few Notes To The Music Industry...

2008-12-03T13:42:00.002-05:00

1. It's not really a "reunion" if your band broke up just three weeks ago and you're only getting together for one song at the BET Music Awards. 2. Likewise, it's not a "comeback" if the only place you've gone is rehab.3. Though a certain sound effect might be really cool and innovative on one song, twelve songs in a row with that same cool, innovative effect may start to lose some of its

Happy Thanksgiving De Le Petit Obama

2008-11-27T11:35:00.002-05:00

Yes We Can! (eat a lot of pumpkin pie)

So.....

2008-11-19T16:55:00.009-05:00

Yeah so it's been a while. In fact it's been so long that I'm betting that no one will even read this because everyone has forgotten about me and if you're looking at this right now, you're probably thinking, "hey, who's this chick again?"Yeah, my name's Yvonne. And I suck at blogging.You know how sometimes you just have nothing to say? For like months and months?Well this isn't like that at

So Sue Me, I Admire People With Rhythm

2008-09-09T12:08:00.005-05:00

I don't know this kid and I don't know much about drums. But he seems pretty damn good if you ask me. So, I'm not saying you have to go to youtube and rate the video at 5 stars. I'm only recommending it because if you do, and he wins this contest they're having, he gets a free drum set and a trip to Hollywood. And which one of you out there doesn't want to help make a poor little boy's

1st Day of School

2008-09-04T07:39:00.022-05:00

Dear Monkey-Butt,Lately I've been trying to figure out how the world managed before you came along. Not just me, but the whole world. Not just the people who know and love you, but all people, everywhere. How did we all survive before you got here?I know the world did spin before you, but I just can't figure out how. Or why it would even bother.I know people laughed and loved before you but

I Want You To Bring My Truck Back And Bring Our House Back

2008-08-09T10:29:00.001-05:00

Yeah, About That...

2008-08-06T07:55:00.009-05:00

I feel like I should clarify that yesterday's post, was NOT about Man-friend. I feel like some people may have gotten a little confused, seeing as how I didn't say who I was writing about but I don't want to get any nasty emails the next time I post something about how great he is and how much I love him so I'm telling you now.Nope, that post was about my son's father, the man who cheated on me

Cost of Freedom

2008-08-05T07:54:00.017-05:00

He owned me. From the moment he laid his eyes on me, he placed his claim. I belonged to him and he would keep me, and I would be his forever.And he tied me up with his love and his hurt and I fought the bindings but I wasn't strong enough to break free. Never strong enough.Yet, the more I fought, the more the outrage of being held captive eroded my soul, until there was no more soul and I

Progress

2008-08-04T11:27:00.003-05:00

I always thought that when baby's daddy got another chick pregnant I'd be deeply heartbroken.Turns out, I'm only mildly heartbroken.

Responsibility Is...

2008-07-28T20:02:00.003-05:00

...not stopping to buy sour gummy worms and diet coke at 8:20 a.m. on the way to work this morning.Someone should probably give me an award or something for my maturity.

3/52--Troll Fingers

2008-07-27T15:17:00.003-05:00

I had a really cool self portrait this week but then my (imaginary) dog ate it. I'm not a quitter though so I'm leaving you instead with this "portrait", fondly titled Troll's Fingers because my toes are exactly what I would imagine the short, stubby appendages protruding off of a troll's palms would look like.And posting this shows just how truly secure I am with myself because those feet are

Child Magazine Should Totally Give Me My Own Advice Column

2008-07-24T16:38:00.005-05:00

I'm not saying parents should beat their kids.I'm just saying that if you send your kid around me and they act like rude, bratty little babies who don't respect others or listen to their teachers, I will be tempted to beat them myself.

Baby Toes, A Delicious Treat

2008-07-22T17:57:00.006-05:00

Welcome to the world,Miss Amber Belle.I'm glad that your mommy's my friend and I get to be part of your life. Pretty soon I'm going to take you dress shopping and paint your little toenails and put bows in your hair and do all the other things that my boy refuses to let me do with him. Pretty soon. Like in a month or so.

If I Never See You Again

2008-07-21T17:21:00.002-05:00

Shit.I don't think even forever would be long enough.

2/52

2008-07-19T18:35:00.006-05:00

All I'm going to say to you about this photo is the same thing I said to my dad when he saw me all dressed up and asked what the hell I was doing.The kid is with his father this weekend and the hours are long.

The Death Of The Love Peppers

2008-07-14T15:32:00.007-05:00

When we moved to this house from our old house, the differences were numerous. Instead of convicts running through our backyard (great story- I'll tell it some time, it involved one bad guy, several police officers, an entire neighborhood in my driveway, and my naked, mud covered little sister), we now have a plethora of wildlife including turkeys and bats. Instead of cars backfiring and the

1/52

2008-07-12T17:23:00.014-05:00

I've joined a group on flickr, 52 Self Portraits in a year. I joined this group because between all the graphic design, illustration, photography, teaching art to children, and writing that I do for a living, I've been feeling like I don't have enough creativity in my life.1/52- In My Mother's Garden... (Larger)...for the splendor of which she refuses to take any credit even though she's spent

2008-07-11T07:03:00.003-05:00

If I was to, at this very moment, stand about twenty feet away from you naked, and you were to squint your eyes, this is what you would see:A star with stumpy pink extremties that all meet at one pasty-white, never touched by the sun middle.Seriously, badly distributed sunburn is sexy right? Man-friend's totally not going to be able to keep his hands off me tonight.

The Fine Print

2008-07-08T17:14:00.008-05:00

"One-on-one time, it's in the agreement. 2 hours of it.""It doesn't say in the agreement that other people*can't be there during our one-on-one time.""What part of one-on-one do you not understand?"Sigh. I've never met a man who would work so hard to spend less time with his son.The frustration is real.*Just to clarify- other people= his girlfriend, her two daughters, his son and his son's

Biology Lesson

2008-07-07T05:32:00.001-05:00

"A tadpole is a good pet because you can watch it grow into a frog and it's kind of like watching a human baby growing in its mommy's belly.""We start out looking like tadpoles?""Well part of us does at least."R.I.P. to "The Tadster" June 2008-June 2008You were the best tadpole/tiny frog with a tail ever. I'm so sorry for killing you by pouring fresh water into your tank with the old water

Big Momma Recommends Part Deux

2008-07-04T18:16:00.009-05:00

I've got two videos that may just blow. your. mind.This first one is an 'Atheist's nightmare'. Depending on what you believe, this video will mean different things to you. I won't say what I believe but I will say that I watched this video eight times in a row in complete and utter amazement.Oh yeah, I got it from I Want A PonyNumber two, which I really can't embed but if you're at all

A Very Poor Benefits Package

2008-07-03T18:05:00.002-05:00

One of the downfalls of being in an authoritative position-You can't really try to get someone else to fish out the bloody maxi pad floating in one of the toilets in the girls' bathroom and clean up all the blood in the stall. That's YOUR job.

Small Comforts

2008-06-27T15:20:00.009-05:00

I call this piece "Love Note and Key Lime Merengue Pie".I could also call it, "Things that are currently making me feel better after seeing that this:is the best house I can afford, if I'm lucky and can even manage to get a loan at all."By the way, that's fake brick in the kitchen there. Wallpaper brick.(Tomorrow I'll be grateful that I this is what I can afford to buy and not some shack in

In Case You Were Wondering...

2008-06-26T13:22:00.005-05:00

My monkey collected over 200 items for the local food pantry at his birthday party on Sunday. And by over 200, I mean 201. That's the final count.And the grand total of tiny little action figures that will be left on his floor and stepped on by his mother in the middle of the night, games that will break after a week, and trinkets with one hundred pieces that don't really look like they belong

Pieces Of You

2008-06-21T15:40:00.003-05:00

Dear Jacquai,Today is your 7th birthday. Do you want to know how that makes me feel? Do you?Tired. Amazed. Exhausted. In love. Famished. Proud.Mostly proud. More than anything else, I'm proud to have such an amazing kid.It's been a stressful 8 months or so for us. I took your daddy away from you back in October and as hard as you've been trying to understand, I know how confusing and unfair

My Little Caveman

2008-06-14T07:00:00.000-05:00

Presently my kid is outside trying to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together."Okay, well just be careful" was all I could think to say when he informed me of his plans.I didn't have the heart to tell him that with the thunderstorms the other night, there's probably not a piece of wood from here to Georgia dry enough to make a fire out of. Not like that would stop him anyways.

Why My Group Of 7 Year Old Boys Is Better Than Your Group Of 7 Year Old Boys

2008-06-12T07:58:00.002-05:00

When I ask my team, "who's wearing a cup today", half of them look at me like they have no idea what I'm talking about, even though on at least three occasions, I've had to explain with much embarrassment, that "it's the thing that protects your penis. You have to be wearing a cup to play catcher's position so I need to know. Are your penises protected today? "And the other half, who do know what

The Coolest Monkey On The Block

2008-06-09T07:06:00.000-05:00

"Look. That's my website. I have a website.""I know. I don't.""That makes me cooler than you.""Yeah well, I'm a monkey. So that makes me cooler than you."Touché, my son. Touché.

Big Momma Recommends 1

2008-06-06T15:43:00.005-05:00

"Big Momma"- that still makes me laugh, and also kind of cringe every time I call myself that. I decided a long time ago that when I'm a grandmother, I want all the children in my life to call me "Big Momma" or "Big Ma" like we used to call my neighbor growing up. She was about 300 lbs., the most yummy chocolaty brown color, and had the coolest gray streak that highlighted the rest of her jet

Point Well Taken

2008-06-05T08:56:00.002-05:00

Dear Sophie, The Cat-I now understand that a live rodent in the house is much better than a dead rodent that has been left to decay under the refrigerator for several days. You have made your point and a very good one at that.And yes, I apologize for complaining about you and your neurotic habits to the Internet. I vow never to sell you to the Chinese food restaurant down the road like

Darwin's Theories In Practice

2008-06-04T07:33:00.000-05:00

"Is that a cold sore?""Nope.""Are you sure?""Yes.""Well what is it?""That's what happens when you try to use cream hair removers to get rid of your girl mustache.""Why the hell'd you do that?""I thought it'd be less painful than waxing.""Was it?""It burned through my skin and made me bleed. It's been three days and I still can't move my lips.""So no?""No."

Saturday

2008-06-02T07:06:00.000-05:00

7:45 a.m.- Awake, bright and early, despite the fact that there's no school today.8:00 a.m.- Kid asks if he can have three waffles instead of two because there's three left in the pack and he doesn't want to have to eat just one tomorrow.8:00 and 30 seconds a.m.- I consider his reasoning but then tell him no, he can only have two waffles because only two waffles fit in the toaster. I consider

It's All How You Look At It

2008-05-30T08:46:00.004-05:00

I used to get really upset when Sophie, The Cat, would bring dead rodents into the house. I would yell and cry and vomit until she would storm into her bedroom and send text messages to all of her friends like "OMG MY MOM IS TTLY BUGGIN!!!! I H8 HER SHE DOESN'T GET THAT DEAD RODENTS ARE SO MUCH KEWLER THAN HER! LET'S GET HAMMERD. I'VE GOT CATNIP!"It wasn't until she started bringing live

6 Servings Of Yum!

2008-05-28T08:33:00.011-05:00

It's probably because most of my friends are the kind of people who just skip the whole marriage thing and go straight to getting knocked up that I haven't had to deal with too many weddings. But about two years ago, Jim's best friend decided to ask his girlfriend to marry him and that all changed. And with the big day now looming close on the horizon, this upcoming marriage has begun to become

The Most Practical Place To Store His Deodorant

2008-05-27T07:13:00.006-05:00

I'm thinking that maybe he thought the lady on the back of the cereal box was looking a little sweaty and decided to leave her a hint.Of course I've left the deodorant there on the top of the fridge (laziness mostly) and whenever I go and reach for a cup of sugar I have to resist the urge to pull the deodorant down, take off the cap and lick all the man-friend deliciousness.What? Don't look at

The Chronicles Of Narnia

2008-05-23T13:15:00.004-05:00

When we finished reading the Harry Potter series, it was like losing a good booty call friend. I tried to fill the void Harry left with other favorite books from my childhood. We read Henry Huggins and Freckle Juice, at a really low point we even tried one of the books from the Goosebumps Series.Though the kid liked them all just fine, for me it was like having sex and never being able to reach

Just Call Her Mother Teresa of Connecticut

2008-05-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

If, one day, fifteen years ago, you were on your way to work and happened to cut through a busy street where drug dealers hung out and where residents were regularly going around getting themselves shot, you might have found yourself wondering what the hell a group of 26 Caucasian kids, dressed entirely in plaid, was doing standing around in a deserted parking lot on the corner of that busy

The Afterlife

2008-05-12T07:51:00.004-05:00

If there's a heaven, I hope mine has a giant library in it.If I'm to be reincarnated, I hope to come back as a house cat that belongs to a rich person.If there's no afterlife and this is all that will be, I hope I have the common sense to enjoy every last minute here.

The Post In Which I Link To Many Other Things

2008-05-07T07:35:00.009-05:00

My pity party's not quite over yet but it's at the point where we've been drinking all night and I can't decide between the last potato chip or trying to get some sympathy from the cute guy across the room. If I eat the chip, I may blow up and then the cute guy will never want to take me home. But that chip is just so tempting with all its salty goodness.I'm at the point in my party where

An Open Invitation... Please Bring Soda or An Appetizer

2008-05-06T12:56:00.009-05:00

You're Invited!!!!!What: My Pity PartyWhere: HereWhen: NOW!Why: Because I'm bored and feeling sorry for myself and I want you to be bored and feel sorry for yourself too.Okay, I'll start the festivities with my sad story. Try not to cry.I have nothing new going on. Nothing. People keep asking me what's new with life, what's new with work and I have nothing to tell them. No new clients, no

Talking Is Highly Overated

2008-04-28T08:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes you feel like you just have to say something, because what's on your mind is silently tearing you up inside and maybe, just maybe, talking will make everything better. But sometimes, letting the words that were eating you up inside out into the open just means that now they're floating around slapping you and everyone else in the face. And the burden that was yours to bear is now

And There's Pot In The Brownies Too!

2008-04-19T21:28:00.005-05:00

Guilty Thoughts: How wrong am I for telling my kid that he couldn't have any of the lemonade in the refrigerator because it had alcohol in it, not because it really did have alcohol in it, but because I just didn't want to share? Would it be "going straight to hell" wrong or "you're going to catch salmonella from that lemonade and end up with a $5000 hospital bill because you don't have health

Merengue Baby

2008-04-14T20:02:00.009-05:00

My new favorite video in the world...This may be the cutest thing ever. I dare you to watch this and not want to climb through the computer screen and squeeze her chubby arms and kiss her little Dora the Explorer cheeks.And if you can resist? Know what that proves? NOTHING, except that your heart is obviously made of ice cubes.And I'm not even the least bit bitter that this toddler has more

Because I'm Super-Cheap

2008-04-07T08:31:00.003-05:00

Guilty Thoughts: It's too bad I couldn't, in good conscience, send my kid out into the world smelling like cooked pork because I'm betting this bacon grease would make a GREAT moisturizer.

The Next Big Social Networking Site

2008-03-25T20:15:00.004-05:00

I'd like to give a big shout out to the Connecticut Judicial System for creating this helpful new tool that tracks criminals just by typing in a bit of personal information. If someone's committed a crime in the past 10 years, they pop up with a cute little description of their offense and sentence.Thanks to this ingenious invention, I can now keep up with the lives and times of all my old

A Very Important Matter Indeed

2008-03-20T08:49:00.005-05:00

Dear Man With Whom I Have A Sexual Relationship,We need to talk.I know, I know, those are the four most disturbing words a woman can utter to a man and why didn't I warn you before I said that?! I can see that glazed, unfocused look starting to shadow your eyes and am well aware that you've already begun blocking the sounds coming from my mouth and are searching desperately for your happy place

The Gospel, According To Jacquai

2008-03-10T09:49:00.012-05:00

Reads: I'm messy when I eat ice cream. I'm hungry I want ice cream.I want ice cream because it is god.And that bald peachy person with the purple body and black nipples, eating god with him? Yup, that's me.Disclaimer: The Kid really meant to write good, not god. It's only I who thinks that ice cream is god. Specifically chocolate ice cream with cookie dough pieces in it.

Applesauce And A Little Too Much Cinnamon

2008-03-07T09:09:00.004-05:00

Thanks for everyone who guessed in my What The Hell Is It? Contest.The winner was the last person who guessed, the lovely Ms. Bobbye with (the very obvious) applesauce and a little too much cinnamon.Of course, a little bit is somewhat of an understatement, as it was about a jar of cinnamon to a bowlful of applesauce and though most people know that you only need a teeny bit of cinnamon to flavor

Some Randomness Because I've Got So Much To Say And No Brain Cells To Coordinate All My Thoughts Into Pretty Sentences

2008-03-05T14:59:00.016-05:00

If Hillary Clinton becomes the Democratic nominee, I'll be voting for Ralph Nader for the third time.I spent half of last week seriously contemplating why I haven't made more of an effort to find a rich husband who would be willing to let me fulfill my true calling of lying around in bed all day while he goes out and works.I've been trying to eat according to the food pyramid for the past three

What Happens After You Spend 2 Weeks Trying To Eat Strictly According To The USDA Food Pyramid

2008-02-29T10:55:00.001-05:00

Do you want anything from the store?Yeah, candy.Candy? What happened to all the candy I brought you two nights ago?Huh? Oh you mean the two bags of gummy bears, the extra large Twix bar, the king sized Reeses Fast Break bar, and two bags of sour gummy bears?Yeah, those.I ate them.

Maybe If I Could Just Touch His Ass One Time

2008-02-26T18:19:00.010-05:00

Recent conversation with a friend about one very hot photographer that we both know. Two points before we begin-1.My part's in purple, hers is in black. This has nothing to do with the fact that she's black, nor does it insinuate that I'm purple.2. I sincerely hope that Hot Photographer never reads my blog.So I heard Hot Photographer got a new job.Yup. He's moving too.That's too bad. He's not

In My Opinion

2008-02-25T08:08:00.003-05:00

It should be illegal, IMPOSSIBLE even, for the horrible smells that kept wafting across my bed last night to be produced by a human butt.They were so bad in fact, that if I had a couch, I would have gone and slept on it and I seriously considered going to sleep with the kid, who, though stinky in his own right, has a much smaller rear. And I couldn't help but wonder how it is that women actually

Flu-Like Symptoms

2008-02-22T09:33:00.002-05:00

I think I may have died last night.

Man Down But Still The Battle Rages On

2008-02-20T14:05:00.010-05:00

My poor Mookie-Rookie has been sick with a fever all week. And so, by default, the job of protecting the house from dementors, hobgoblins, and werewolves has fallen on my shoulders. And I want you to know how seriously I really do take this responsibility.

A Love Letter To My Son, Part 1

2008-02-13T20:58:00.015-05:00

Dear Jacquai,My aunt Cindy used to write letters to my cousin Sarah and myself on the inside covers of the picture books that she would give us for Christmas and birthdays. They always told us what we were doing, how wonderful we were, and her hopes for our futures. Sometimes I find myself opening those books and reading the letters again, laughing at how ridiculous we were, relishing in the

February 12, 2008: Lesson of the Day

2008-02-12T09:14:00.003-05:00

Lesson of the Day Week: You let 'em touch your boobies ONE time and they think they own you!!!!Jeez.

Tonight I'm Going To Sleep With A Pair Of His Dirty Socks

2008-02-06T17:04:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting here at my desk all day thinking, "Damn, it really smells like Man-Friend in here."And enjoying it.Finally I look around for the source of the smell and realize that he has left a pair of his (worn) pants hanging over the back of the very chair I'm sitting in and that this whole time I have been happily relishing in the scent of his dirty butt.I mean, that's love, right?:)-

Private School Girl

2008-01-31T15:46:00.002-05:00

(A Poem)Private school girlin your tiny plaid skirtand creepy winter tan.Driving your daddy's SUVlaughingwithout a care.(Because the world is all about you.)Private school girlwith your perfect hairand really happy skip.Do you know how obnoxious you are?(I would like to shoot you.)

They Give Crackheads Awards Too!

2008-01-26T09:57:00.001-05:00

So I was given an award the other day by fellow blogger Rachel.But obviously there had been a misprint. So I fixed it.The evening ended, like every other award show I've attended, with me making out with my award.It is now framed and hung in my foyer.And now for other people who deserve the award (almost) as much as me:1. Cynnie- Has quite possibly the most awesome boobies I've seen on the web.2

Example #2 (Of Why This Breakup Is Working For Me)

2008-01-25T08:38:00.001-05:00

Yeah, remember what I said yesterday? Ummm, you guys can just go and scratch that. I mean, it's still true and all, but last night, while dropping my movies back at the video store and getting us Chinese food for dinner, he also picked up these:And as a thank you, I did NOT bleed all over his side of the bed last night.God knows I love this man. Which is why every time I use a tampon today I'll

Because Ex-Boyfriends Should Be Touched And Not Heard

2008-01-24T15:32:00.002-05:00

Conversation that ensued after watching Man-friend slip past me real casually and put about six of his shirts in my closet today:"Oh no you don't! Don't you go putting your clothes in there. We're broken up, remember? You don't get to go moving all your stuff back in all sneakily and shit. You think I haven't noticed that your toothbrush's back in the bathroom cabinet too?""Shhhhhh. Haven't

For The Record

2008-01-22T22:04:00.001-05:00

It's not so much that I have a fear of dying, it's more that I have a fear of people seeing my dead body. After watching many a crime show, the thought of having a pair of police officers and some chick in a trench coat staring down at my powdery white face, discussing how, according to forensics, the victim was probably stabbed with a corkscrew fifteen times in the elbow before slipping on a

E.T. Is Eating Our Brains!

2008-01-21T17:37:00.000-05:00

I really hate it when a movie starts out being intellectually interesting and then ends in aliens.I REALLY hate that.What is your movie pet peeve? Inquiring (and perhaps more intelligent from other planets) minds would like to know.

Remember When There Were Flowers?

2008-01-20T16:18:00.000-05:00

I miss the flowers.

You're Really Very Cute But I Have NO Idea What You're Saying!

2008-01-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

I always wondered* what Scientology was all about.Luckily, Tom Cruise has explained it all so thoroughly and eloquently here:You're absolutely right Tom! It is rough and tumble, wild and wooly.As of this moment, I would like to announce my conversion to Scientology.I'm a born-again Scientologist, if you will.Please, feel free to ask questions. I'd love to share my extensive knowledge** on the

Tom Cruise Ate My Blog

2008-01-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

I posted a blog about Tom Cruise earlier this afternoon and it caused my blog to blow up. Okay, maybe not blow up but definitely stop working.Obviously Scientology is a more powerful religion than I had realized. My apologies to Tom and the rest of the Scientology community. Now make my blog back to normal please!To everyone else: Sorry about stupid boring template. I'll be trying to get

January 15, 2008: Lesson Of The Day

2008-01-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

Lesson Of The Day: One should not assume that EVERYTHING tastes better with cheese. It is a horrible, horrible mistake to think that strawberry ice cream could possibly be improved by shredding up a chunk of cheddar and sprinkling it over the top.

Why This Breakup Is Working For Me...

2008-01-11T08:31:00.000-05:00

You can call me dumb and say I'm just setting myself up for more heartbreak, but when he does things like this...(tastes better than "birthday head")and then this...and then other things that I won't illustrate with a photo...well, I'm pretty sure it's worth the risk.

A Sign Of The Times

2008-01-08T08:24:00.000-05:00

You know things are really tense between the two of you when, for the first time in eight years, baby's daddy doesn't call to say happy birthday and offer you some "birthday head".

And Then He Landed A Perfect Triple Axel

2008-01-05T11:12:00.003-05:00

The Kid and his grandfather got matching hockey skates, pucks and sticks for Christmas. However, they had nowhere to ice skate. So the only reasonable solution was for grandfather to build an ice skating rink in our backyard. That way, mother nature willing, they can skate whenever they damn well please.My poor kid has no chance whatsoever of growing up to be normal.Sigh.

The Naughty List

2007-12-24T14:14:00.000-05:00

It's days like today that I wish I was a Jehovah's Witness.Or Muslim.Or Jewish.It's days like today that I wish I lived in some third world country where they've never heard of Santa Claus, where they haven't been playing Christmas carols and showing Christmas movies for the past four months, where they don't encourage people to buy $30,000 cars as Christmas gifts, and where I wouldn't be

Pining For A Warmer Time

2007-12-22T09:19:00.001-05:00

You and me both honey, me and you both.

December 21, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

2007-12-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

Lesson Of The Day: Some days you just can't hide the crazy inside no matter how hard you try. It just starts creeping out of your eyes, nose and MOUTH without warning, for the whole world, and more importantly, your boss, to see.

Hot Cross Buns!

2007-12-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

Reason number 634 why my son is the most awesome.