Flossy

There's a term in the writing world-"little gems" which is used to describe those sentences or phrases that a writer might originally think are completely genius and necessary for a piece of writing, but after revisions and reconsiderations, find out are really unneeded at best, and at worst, a horrible detraction from the rest of the writing. Still, it's often hard for writers to let go of these perfect pieces of literary genius, no matter how detrimental to the piece they prove to be. Thus the name "little gems". I can understand the writer's conundrum, as it's a dilemma I've faced far too often. I have a file of "little gems" that I keep for possible use at a later date when it turns out they have no place in the current story. Turns out, none of them are really worth using most of the time, not even ten years later. Not ever. Most of the time my "little gems" turn out to be "little pieces of shit".

Why do I bring up "little gems" you ask? Well, while listening to the radio yesterday I realized that Fergie (formerly?) of the Blackeyed Peas apparently has a "little gem file" as well, and has used them to create the lyrics to ALL of her songs. And she doesn't just sprinkle them in here or there. No, it appears that she writes complete songs by digging into her "little gem" bag and randomly combining them. Then she combines them with obnoxiously catchy beats and -BOOM- it's a hit!

Here's some examples:

Chaperones and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the movie screens
Magazines and bougie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine

and

'Cause I remember yesterday when I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy told me so
He let his daughter know
(If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home)

and

We flying first class up in the sky
Pop the champagne
Living the life in the fast lane
And I won't change
By the glamorous, oh
The flossy flossy

how about?-

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno) 

Not only do the lyrics from line to line have nothing to do with the rest of the song, leaving you wondering at the end 'What the hell was that?' but none of the lyrics seem to have anything to do with ANYTHING. Nothing in the whole world! Most of the words aren't even real words! And we listen and nod and act like we know what the hell she's talking about because we don't want to be seen as the only person in the world who has no idea what flossy means.

I can only assume this is due to the fact that her mentor was a man named Will.I.Am.

So why am I picking on poor Fergie here when so many artists out there also use "little gems"? Obviously she's not the first, nor the last to commit this crime. But, as far as I can tell, she appears to be the only one who uses them consistently and without shame. She's the only one who can turn a song full of gibberish to a hit, every time with no one questioning the validity of her talent. I blame this entirely on the fact that she's hot.

After much pondering on the subject, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps Fergie-darling is not really a cousin-of-George so much as some sort of evil genius who is experimenting with the US public by making the most off the wall, ridiculous crap possible and telling everyone it's "music". Could it be that she knows that "cus my daddy told me so" followed by "If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home" makes no sense whatsoever? What's worse, is we actually believe her.

"Well if Fergie says daddy's wisdom and being poor have something to do with each other, it must be true."

I bet she's sitting back laughing her ass off at all the idiots out there who walk around singing about humps .

"Ha ha. They said humps. I don't even know what humps are. My boobs? My butt cheeks? My elbows? Nobody knows. Hehe, I tricked them again. Now let me go deposit this royalty check for millions in the bank."


Evil-genius I tell you. Evil genius.