The Anatomy Of A Future Alchoholic

I would like to point out that, though I've been of the legal drinking age for almost four years, this afternoon was the first time I've ever gone out and actually purchased alcohol for myself. This is for two reasons. One being that I'm not much of a drinker and two, my father MAKES BEER FOR A LIVING. So there's always some sort of something that I could get drunk on lying around if the need arises. For example, this is a photo from the bar, not 100 feet from my bedroom door:


Notice those two taps on the side? Beer comes out of them. Two different kinds. At all times. Yeah, I have a sink that pours beer. I'll wait while catch your breath in envy.





Okay. Now to be truthful, normally I'd prefer if those two knobs had chocolate milk and diet Coke coming out of them but at times like this when you've lost the love of your life, beer becomes a good friend, if not a suitable replacement for the warm body that used to lay next to you at night and sniff your hair. And I know, I know, you're not supposed to drink to get drunk, you're supposed to drink because nothing compares to the smooth taste of a cool brew at the end of a long day, but to me, EVERY alcohol I've ever tried, whether it be beer, tequila, rum, wine, or wine coolers has had the distinct taste of death in a bottle. And therefore, the only reason for me to drink is to get drunk. And since normally I'm a well adjusted, happy lady with a well adjusted, happy life, that need very rarely comes up. But when your boyfriend leaves you because "I'm not sure I want to marry you" even though you've never once asked him to marry you and really, never even had any intentions of asking him to marry you, secretly thrilled with the idea of living in sin for the rest of your life and just happy to have found such a wonderful guy that if you never got married, it'd be okay as long as you could just hear his voice everyday, and if your cat WOULD NOT SHUT UP and just today declared war on the bathroom rug by attempting to pee on it, and if your six year old son just casually mentioned to you that perhaps you should check his head for lice because it was a little bit itchy, well you might start drinking to get drunk too.

Which is precisely what I've been doing and in the past week I've probably consumed more beer than I have in the entirety of the past two years. It's not actually all that much though, before you go calling AA on my behalf, since I drink so little normally, half a beer usually gets me tipsy and a whole beer- well a whole beer might make me start touching your boobies. So yesterday morning, after calling my friend Emily to ask when the acceptable time to start drinking is and learning (surprisingly) that there is, in fact, an acceptable drinking time and that I would have to wait another 8 hours to reach it or she'd call AA, I bided my time by washing my hands in the bar sink and then licking them, because, technically, that's not drinking, it's licking. But at 5:02, while humming happily, I skipped into the bar and attempted to pour a glass from tap one. When it sputtered and only foam came out, I tried tap two. When that one did the same I laid down on the floor and cried. Apparently there is an end to the fountain of beer and apparently I'd reached it.

So being the resilient optimist I am, today I went to the supermarket and bought some beer of my own rather than tell my father that I'd depleted his supply. And it was weird. I didn't know which to get because I knew that I wouldn't like any of them and spending $8.49 on six bottles of death seems a little silly to me but finally I settled on a Honey Raspberry Ale because honey and raspberries are two of my most favorite foods in the world and so I had high hopes that they would mask the bitterness of the ale. They didn't. But maybe if I drink enough, it won't really matter anymore.


The End. That's all I have to say about that right now. Back to drinking.

Also, I was going to write a blog about the stupidity of the word "melty" and perhaps one day I will but for now, this guy already appears to have covered the subject just fine and there's nothing left for me to say about it right now. Except that it should be outlawed and the use of it should be punishable by death. That's all.