I Am THE Shit.

1. I'm buying a house this year. The house doesn't know it but it's getting bought.

2. The only houses around here that I can afford are so broken that no one will give me a loan for them. For the life of me, I can't figure out why having a working toilet is so damn important to loan officers. I learned a long time ago how to pee in the bushes.

3. I have one son and I don't want any more children, ever, not even a little bit. Except for when I see a newborn. Or a toddler. Or a baby monkey.

4. Katt Williams is the first short, skinny man with a perm to turn me on. If I was in one of those relationships where you could have one famous person that you could have sex with, without consequence, Katt would be my person.

5. Last year my goal was to make out with a girl. It didn't happen so the goal has carried over into this year. Man-friend totally supports this goal, perhaps more than I feel comfortable with.

6. If I was married to a super rich man and could do anything I wanted for a job, I would do exactly what I do now.

7. My kid is seriously the most awesome person in the world. Don't even bother trying to argue with that. You'll lose.

8. Bad grammar pisses me off.

9. Lil' Wayne pisses me off.

10. My son's father pisses me off.

11.I don't think that anyone who is still so young that dEy RiytE LykE DIS On my$pa>e should be allowed to have children.

12. I look forward to being an old lady for many reasons, the main one being that I can't wait to be able to yell at bratty kids that I don't know.

13. I've given up Diet Coke at least 4 times in the past year. For the record, people at NA meetings do not appreciated you coming in and talking about your coke addiction unless it's the white and powdery variety.

14. There are so many things I want to do in my life that I'm terrified I'll never be able to do them all.

15. Fact: Cats smell better than dogs.

16. I don't believe in God. But I went to Catholic school so I can't manage to write God without capitalizing the g.

17. The kid that I mentor told me that the best thing that happened to him was getting a mentor. And that comment has totally carried me through the frigid month of January.

18. My favorite time of the day is from 7-8pm when my son and I cuddle up and read together. I look forward to it from the moment I wake up in the morning.

19. I recently got a "J" tattoo on my left boob. People wonder why I got my son's initial on my boob. Instead of telling them that "it's because it's over my heart, dumbass", I tell them that "it doesn't stand for Jacquai, it stands for Baby Jesus and I got his initial tattooed on my tit because he's my pimp".

20. My boyfriend is my best friend. My other best friend is Chele. Normally I don't believe in having more than one best friend as the word "best" tends to signify only one, but this works because they are almost the same person in many ways.

21. I don't add applications on Facebook. So if you pass me a drink, I won't pass it back.

22. I believe that crazy is highly underrated.

23. When I was little, I used to make fun off my mother because she had to pee all the time. Karma has turned out to be a real bitch.

24. I don't hate the town I grew up in. That being said, once the kid grows up, I have every intention of joining the Peace Corps and then spending the rest of my life somewhere tropical.

25. I am awesome. You are too.


Dream Job

If there was a job which required sleeping all the time, I'd apply for it. I'd apply for it and I'd get it because I'm the best damn sleeper that I've ever met. Even as a little girl I was extremely fond of sleeping. Not too many children ask to take naps but I did.

In fact, I can go to bed at 8:00 pm and not wake up again until 10 or 11 the next morning. And even then, I'm ready to go back to bed at a drop of a dime. A perfect day to me would involve laying in bed, eating, laying in bed some more, cuddling in bed with the kid, reading a book, eating, napping, eating, cuddling, having sex, and finally, going to sleep for the night.

You might call me lazy but I would like to point out that Nostradamus said that the world will be ending in just 3 short years from now and I think that we should all be doing what we enjoy in the meantime. Now to you, granola and a six mile hike may be enjoyable. Or maybe you like to fill your days working hard and accomplishing things. But the thought of all of that just makes me exhausted and cranky.

So, in this time of struggle, when our economy is going to shit and people are getting laid off left and right, I think it's time to propose a few new career options. Just remember, more jobs would be good for the economy.

1. Mattress Model- Employee will spend days asleep on the beds in our furniture store. Job includes convincing customers how comfortable our mattresses are. Must be able to sleep in busy, noisy environment. Applicant must be an "attractive sleeper". Snoring, drooling, fidgety sleepers need not apply.

2. Professional Dreamer- Must be able to remember dreams with precise accuracy. Employee will sleep for an average of 7 hours per day and the last hour will involve recording dreams, interpreting their meanings and calling local, state, and federal agencies to share prophecies about current and future events. They find this sort of information invaluable. Some television time on FOX and CNN may be required. Must have strong psychic abilities or a background in sales.

3. Rich Man's Wife- Sleeping is only part of this job! Other duties include supervising the hired help, complaining and occasionally giving birth.

4. Marijuana Tester- Main duties do not include sleeping but occasionally passing out on the couch is a necessary and expected part of the job.

So there you go, four jobs that call for Professional Sleepers. I'm sure I could think of some more but right now, I'm just too tired and my bed is softly whispering my name- "Yvonne, Yvonne, come lay with me," and I must heed the call.