The Bitter Truth

I don't claim to know a lot about many things. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how to fly an airplane or rebuild a car engine. But I do know a little bit about being a parent, seeing as how I’ve been one for a while now. And for that reason, I feel qualified enough to give at least one piece of advice to those women out there contemplating becoming mothers themselves.

So, what is my advice to those of you who feel your lives won't be complete without a little bundle of joy to call your own, to those who long to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet? What is my advice to you, my friend? Well, it’s really very simple.

Don’t do it.

Resist that biological clock you hear ticking. For heaven's sake, take a sledgehammer to it if you have to! But no matter what you do, no matter what your instincts (and mother-in-law) are telling you, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN!

See, there are things they don't tell you in parenting books. Things like how there's a good chance you'll poop on the delivery table during labor, how your boobs will probably not only sag but also get smaller after breastfeeding, and how you will feel the unyielding urge to maim that three-year old in the park because he threw sand in your baby's face.

But the most important thing that they don't tell you, the thing you really should know before you get into the whole "mom" thing, is that the moment that baby pops out, your heart will go with it.


Am I making myself clear enough? You know, that beating, pumping thing you couldn't possibly survive without? Yes, well now that heart will be in the care of an infant and you will never get it back again. That wee baby, who you wouldn't even leave in charge of feeding itself, will now and forever be in charge of taking care of your vital organs.

Now as anyone who’s ever met a toddler knows, their grubby little hands are not the safest place for a heart to be. I mean really, they haven't even mastered their gross motor skills yet, let alone realized the propensity of being in charge of a human heart. Plus, they pick their noses and eat it. For fun! Not really the type of person I would have chosen to protect my most vital organ had I known better.

But apparently there’s some sort of conspiracy among babies to steal their mothers' hearts, one that has been going on since the beginning of time and one that I suspect you and I may even have been a part of. I can only assume that it's during that final push of labor, right before her first breath, that your baby will, in one last attempt to remain inside the warmth of your body, reach up, grab a chunk of your heart, and pull it out without you even knowing. That or they slowly absorb it into their growing bodies during the nine months of pregnancy. You can't really blame them though, since there's nothing else to do that whole time, other than trying to get their feet stuck in your ribcage.

Anyways, the when’s and whys really aren’t important. What’s important is that if you have a child you should be prepared to give up your heart. You probably won't even notice right away that it's missing. After all, at first you're all caught up in the peach fuzz and tiny socks. And since you have to hold a newborn almost constantly anyways, your heart hasn't really gone too far yet. But just you wait until you have to drop that baby off at daycare for the first time or send him away for his first sleepover. Then you'll notice, and only then will you realize the cruelty of it all. The place where your heart used to be, the place you thought became fuller upon having a child, well, that place is now vacant and that little bugger is the one who took it.

So here’s a fair warning. The pain that you'll feel due to being separated from your heart is so great that it's almost unbearable. It’s far worse than anything any stupid boyfriend's ever done. And all of a sudden you’ll realize that the reason you've devoted every last bit of energy to caring for this child is not because you have given birth to God's gift to the world. No, it's the fact that if something happens to the kid, something will happen to your heart, and if something happens to your heart, YOU WILL DIE.

And nobody wants that.

So before you take that plunge into motherhood, consider that you will have to make it your life's mission to protect that child of yours because, as you may already know, there is no way to get a heart back from a toddler. They are very bad at sharing. You’ll obsess over it when she tells you she can swim in the deep end by herself. You’ll hyperventilate about it when she goes for her driver’s license. You’ll spend months grasping for it when she leaves for college. But no matter what you do, that kid will never understand the responsibility she’s been given- the responsibility of caring for her mother’s heart.

Not until she has her own child at least...


I'll get over you when the grass rolls over me...

Awesome line don't you think?

I plan on using it from now on whenever I can...as a breakup line, a pickup line, or a makeup line. I will use it while standing in the rain with Celine Dion singing in the background. I will melt many hearts with it but am also considering more untraditional uses for the phrase. For example-

Conversation with a telemarketer
(I'm not saying this actually happened but...)

"Right now, ma'am, we can offer you a savings of 35% on a 6 year subscription to Better Home and Celebrities Driving Motor Boats Weekly."

"You know I love you right?"

"Um ma'am?"

"I mean I really love you. It really hurts that things have gotten so tough between us."

"Uh ma'am, I hardly know you."

"I know! That's exactly what I'm saying, I feel like we hardly even communicate anymore. I mean I think we could work it out if we really tried but I'm not sure if it's even worth it at this point."

"Excuse me, Ms. Page..."

"Shh, don't speak my darling. I think we both know what we have to do."

"What's that ma'am?"

"You go your way and I'll go mine. But promise me you'll never forget me. I love you...what'd you say your name was again?"

"Janet, ma'am."

"Right. Well listen Janet, fly away my little butterfly. Be free. I know you'll be happy, find love again.

"But ma'am, I need your social security number and credit card number so I can sign you up for this subscription."

"Oh Janet, you do care!"

"Okay, ma'am. You have a nice day now."

"No! No, Janet don't leave me!"

"Ma'am I have to call some other customers now. Ones that might actually buy the magazine."

"No I need you! How can I live without you?"

"I'm sure you'll get over me ma'am."

"Oh Janet, I'll get over you when the grass rolls over me."

Genius! I don't think there is any situation in which this line could not be worked into the conversation.

I think I will start calling ex-boyfriends now and trying it out. They'll probably be so impressed that I'll get lots of flowers sent to my house. I better start buying some extra vases.



I believe I must be growing up. No, not because I have been a responsible single mother for the past 6 years, nor because I graduated college (as a single mother) with a 3.66 GPA, or even because I don't feel the need to go out and party and drink -I'd much rather stay home and read a book (I'm pretty sure that just makes me boring though, not responsible).

Nope. I'm growing up because today I officially finished my first complete tube of chapstick. Though this may not seem like a big deal, I feel I should point out that I have NEVER finished a tube of chapstick before either losing it, getting it stuck in the fully exposed position after rolling it out too far, or mistakenly sending it through the spin and dry cycle (Warning: Cherry chapstik brand WILL leave cherry-scented red stains on your clothes).

I feel outrageously grown up right now.

All this maturity however, has not made me unwilling nor unwanting of complete revenge on baby's daddy and to break him and stupid bitch up. Much like a 2 year old I regularily throw temper tantrums about them buying a house 1 minute down the road and having to see her when I go to the supermarket. It doesn't help that he's quite possibly the biggest dickhead in the world and is still constantly trying to get me to have sex with him again but telling her would be futile since she's obviously stupider than dirt and would just stay with him anyways and I'd just look like an asshole for telling her. So instead, I just throw temper tantrums.

Also, I desperately wanted Dominoes breadsticks last week so the best man-friend in the world brought me some. Instead of the marinara sauce I requested the garlic butter dipping sauce. It was delicious. "I'd like to shout out man-friend. You're my favorite." (That was me on the make believe radio).

In other, completely un-related news, man-friend didn't seem incredibly interested in cuddling the other night. Odd.

And the kid is in t-ball which may be the cutest thing ever. Seriously, I have to fight off death-by-cutness everytime I watch them play.


Important things we should all know about men...

From Oprah.com (with notes by me in purple)

Sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Supersex (already ordered it from Amazon. I like to be super at everything I do), challenges the four most popular myths about men and their bodies. Take a guess—are these commonly held beliefs about sex true or false?

Bald men have stronger sex drives.
True. We do know that testosterone is linked with hair loss. And of course testosterone is the chemical responsible for the male sex drive.
So old men have stronger sex drives? Retirement homes here I come!!!!

Having sex negatively affects athletic performance.
False. There is absolutely no evidence to support this one. In fact, it could help because sex can help release those pre-game nerves.
Sex is my only athletic performance.

Big hands, big nose, big feet = big penis.
False. There's no scientific proof of this whatsoever.
This is very disappointing to me. Whenever I start dating a new guy, whether or not he has a big penis is a bigger concern in my book than whether he:
a) is a good guy
b) has a job
c) lives with his mother or
d) has 16 different babies mamas.

Now that my foolproof method has been proven false I will have to take the ol' "grab and feel" approach.

African-American men have the biggest penises.
True. Research confirms that Asian men are the smallest, followed by Caucasians, with African-American men being the largest.
I REALLY wish I could have taken part in that study.

Even More Sex Trivia...

The average man can keep an erection for around 40 minutes, even though he might not last that long. The average woman takes about 20 minutes to climax from oral sex.
40 minutes is 38 minutes and 26 seconds too long for me. I'm like a teenage boy. A minute and a half and I'm done. Then I just want to roll over and go to sleep.

The average man gets around seven erections a day. Sadly, five of those are in his sleep.
Haha that explains it.

The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph.
Whatever, it's just a sprint. Anyone can move at speeds of 28mph for 2 inches.

Sex is healthy. There's more protein in the average ejaculation than there is in a medium-sized pork chop.
Actually I'm just fine with my protein deficient diet thank you.