The Law of Obnoxiousness

It is an unwritten law of nature that the same child who has to be dragged out of bed at 8:05 every weekday for school, will wake up NO later than 7:15 am on any given weekend morning.



There's a term in the writing world-"little gems" which is used to describe those sentences or phrases that a writer might originally think are completely genius and necessary for a piece of writing, but after revisions and reconsiderations, find out are really unneeded at best, and at worst, a horrible detraction from the rest of the writing. Still, it's often hard for writers to let go of these perfect pieces of literary genius, no matter how detrimental to the piece they prove to be. Thus the name "little gems". I can understand the writer's conundrum, as it's a dilemma I've faced far too often. I have a file of "little gems" that I keep for possible use at a later date when it turns out they have no place in the current story. Turns out, none of them are really worth using most of the time, not even ten years later. Not ever. Most of the time my "little gems" turn out to be "little pieces of shit".

Why do I bring up "little gems" you ask? Well, while listening to the radio yesterday I realized that Fergie (formerly?) of the Blackeyed Peas apparently has a "little gem file" as well, and has used them to create the lyrics to ALL of her songs. And she doesn't just sprinkle them in here or there. No, it appears that she writes complete songs by digging into her "little gem" bag and randomly combining them. Then she combines them with obnoxiously catchy beats and -BOOM- it's a hit!

Here's some examples:

Chaperones and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the movie screens
Magazines and bougie scenes
I'm not clean, I'm not pristine
I'm no queen, I'm no machine
'Cause I remember yesterday when I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy told me so
He let his daughter know
(If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home)

We flying first class up in the sky
Pop the champagne
Living the life in the fast lane
And I won't change
By the glamorous, oh
The flossy flossy
how about?-

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock
And he be lining down the block just to watch what I got (four, tres, two, uno)
Not only do the lyrics from line to line have nothing to do with the rest of the song, leaving you wondering at the end 'What the hell was that?' but none of the lyrics seem to have anything to do with ANYTHING. Nothing in the whole world! Most of the words aren't even real words! And we listen and nod and act like we know what the hell she's talking about because we don't want to be seen as the only person in the world who has no idea what flossy means.

I can only assume this is due to the fact that her mentor was a man named Will.I.Am.

So why am I picking on poor Fergie here when so many artists out there also use "little gems"? Obviously she's not the first, nor the last to commit this crime. But, as far as I can tell, she appears to be the only one who uses them consistently and without shame. She's the only one who can turn a song full of gibberish to a hit, every time with no one questioning the validity of her talent. I blame this entirely on the fact that she's hot.

After much pondering on the subject, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps Fergie-darling is not really a cousin-of-George so much as some sort of evil genius who is experimenting with the US public by making the most off the wall, ridiculous crap possible and telling everyone it's "music". Could it be that she knows that "cus my daddy told me so" followed by "If you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home" makes no sense whatsoever? What's worse, is we actually believe her.

"Well if Fergie says daddy's wisdom and being poor have something to do with each other, it must be true."

I bet she's sitting back laughing her ass off at all the idiots out there who walk around singing about humps .

"Ha ha. They said humps. I don't even know what humps are. My boobs? My butt cheeks? My elbows? Nobody knows. Hehe, I tricked them again. Now let me go deposit this royalty check for millions in the bank."

Evil-genius I tell you. Evil genius.


Breaking Young Computers' Hearts Since 1983.

This weekend has been kind of tough. I've been going through a breakup of sorts. It's been 3 long days filled with arguments, pleading, begging, yelling, crying, late night conversations, hugging, cussing, gift giving, more fighting, and finally acceptance that Friday may have been the beginning of the end of one of my longest and most satisfying relationships.

Now I know I'm not always the best girlfriend- I know I don't always take the best care of eMac. Sometimes I forget to thank her for a job well done. I leave her running for weeks at a time. I fill her up with useless crap that just slows her down and could potentially make her sick. I don't wash the smudges off her screen. Yeah I know I shouldn't eat so close to her or get chocolate all over her keyboard. Maybe I've asked her to do something illegal a time or two or ten (I'm sorry! If you didn't want to do it, you shouldn't have!). And no, I've never run a virus software program in the entire 2 & 1/2 years we've been together. But I thought we were happy. We've never had a problem- not like those PCs that are crashing all the time. I could depend on eMac. I loved eMac. I bragged about eMac to anyone who would listen. I've even been known to carry around photos of eMac in my wallet.

You should have told me you weren't happy anymore. You should have told me you needed a break. I would have given you one...next week, after all my work is done.

Okay, maybe I have noticed that things haven't been as good lately as they were in the beginning. Maybe I've ignored the fact that things have been a little slower to load, programs don't always work as efficiently as they should-

We got you an extra hard drive for Christmas to store all those pictures that I was putting on you. I thought that would help. Doesn't that show how much I car

Nothing shows love like freeing up 140 gigabytes of hard drive.

I think the final straw was when I started looking at laptops on ebay on Friday.

I was just looking! Damn, that doesn't mean I was going to do anything with her! You know you're the only one for me baby.

Okay. Perhaps it was when I bid on a laptop on ebay. I understand eMac's concern with this. I can see how this might be construed as cheating.

But baby, I wasn't trying to replace you. I just wanted a computer I could bring out in public. You know you'll always be my main bitch.

No those excuses don't usually work with me either so I couldn't really be surprised when she promptly crashed right after that. I hadn't saved any of my work from the past month.

I spent the next 12 hours running up and down the stairs from computer to computer trying to find instructions to fix my baby. I held her hand through surgery. I waited at her bedside until she woke up. I accepted the abusive words she flung my way when she came to. I gave her a chocolate rose.

Get well soon honey.

Since that didn't seem to help, I ate it.

eMac wasn't impressed.

Fine. Be like that. I don't need you anyways. Soon I'll have a nice little Powerbook to share my bed with. Yeah that's right- she's PORTABLE!

Luckily I've picked up some very effective bullshitting techniques over the years from baby's daddy and was eventually able to convince eMac to give me another chance.

That stuff I said before- it was all lies. You know I don't want no little Powerbook. Shit, she don't got those curves like you. You know you got that fine intel processor that I love.

Ummm...ahem... I mean... well finally eMac and I decided to stay together... for now at least. The compromise was that I lost all of my itunes songs (about 3000) and my emails from the last year.

I'm really not sure what she'll do when Powerbook gets here.

What's that? No that's not another computer. Oh man, where'd that come from? I swear I didn't bring her here. But baby, since she's here now, maybe it's a good thing. We can let her do some of the work and you can rest a little.

I've already backed up all my files just in case she doesn't go for it and leaves me again.

I'm a playa baby, can't no computer hold me down.