Big Momma Recommends 1

"Big Momma"- that still makes me laugh, and also kind of cringe every time I call myself that. I decided a long time ago that when I'm a grandmother, I want all the children in my life to call me "Big Momma" or "Big Ma" like we used to call my neighbor growing up. She was about 300 lbs., the most yummy chocolaty brown color, and had the coolest gray streak that highlighted the rest of her jet black hair. Also, she made the best collard greens and macaroni and cheese I've ever eaten. My mouth still waters when I think about them.

When I shared this dream with Man-Friend, he suggested that I might need to gain some weight first. Also I might want to gain some pigment in my skin. Oh yeah, and learn how to cook. Anything. But never one for being deterred from my dreams, I decided I'd be Big Momma anyways. And since I'm skipping all the other crucial parts of being a Big Momma, there's no reason to wait for the grandmother part either.

The end.

Things that have made me laugh this week:

Corporate Cuddling ala Ms. Terry

Anal With A Man? It's True ala Ms. Fertile

and THIS marriage wisdom gem also courtesy of Ms. Fertile.


Go to these pages, enjoy their contents, and have a great weekend!

Point Well Taken

Dear Sophie, The Cat-

I now understand that a live rodent in the house is much better than a dead rodent that has been left to decay under the refrigerator for several days. You have made your point and a very good one at that.

And yes, I apologize for complaining about you and your neurotic habits to the Internet. I vow never to sell you to the Chinese food restaurant down the road like Man-friend suggested, so you can stop hiding under the bed now.


Love,

Momma

P.S. The cat door is officially closed for the summer.

Darwin's Theories In Practice

"Is that a cold sore?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Well what is it?"

"That's what happens when you try to use cream hair removers to get rid of your girl mustache."

"Why the hell'd you do that?"

"I thought it'd be less painful than waxing."

"Was it?"

"It burned through my skin and made me bleed. It's been three days and I still can't move my lips."

"So no?"

"No."

Saturday

7:45 a.m.- Awake, bright and early, despite the fact that there's no school today.

8:00 a.m.- Kid asks if he can have three waffles instead of two because there's three left in the pack and he doesn't want to have to eat just one tomorrow.

8:00 and 30 seconds a.m.- I consider his reasoning but then tell him no, he can only have two waffles because only two waffles fit in the toaster. I consider his acceptance of my shoddy reasoning a parenting victory.

8:05 a.m.- He eats one bite of one waffle, decides he feels sick and can't eat anymore.

8:30 a.m.- Kid is still feeling sick. I get worried that he may have caught the strep throat that I had last week and if we don't take care of it, I will be single handedly responsible for the illness of all children everywhere. Forever.

10:00 a.m.- Take kid to doctor's office. Pay $30 for them to tell me that he's fine.

12:00 p.m.- Baseball game. Only 8 kids show up from our team.

12:29 p.m.- My kid throws up in the outfield.

12:31 p.m.- I call doctor's office and demand my $30 back.

12:32 p.m.- They refuse. Ball, hit by one of my players, smacks me in back of head.

12:33 p.m.- Give team the classic "Try not to hit your coach with the ball while she's on the phone with the doctor's office instead of coaching the game" lecture. They've heard it before. They roll their eyes.

1:00 p.m.- Game over, take sick kid home. Let him watch Harry Potter and forget that you told him he had to clean his room today. Kid vows to be sick more often.

5:49 p.m.- Kid falls asleep three hours earlier than normal.

10:30 p.m.- Bedtime for me. Since he's sick, I'll let the kid sleep with me tonight, but first I wake him up and take him to the bathroom so he doesn't pee all over my bed.

10:31 p.m.- Instead of peeing in my bed, kid throws up in it. Day ends in vomit. All in all, a very typical Saturday.