The Naughty List

It's days like today that I wish I was a Jehovah's Witness.

Or Muslim.

Or Jewish.

It's days like today that I wish I lived in some third world country where they've never heard of Santa Claus, where they haven't been playing Christmas carols and showing Christmas movies for the past four months, where they don't encourage people to buy $30,000 cars as Christmas gifts, and where I wouldn't be haunted by the same blinking, caroling robot Santa in my dreams every night in December. If I lived in a third world country, I'd be too busy worrying about when my next meal was coming to concern myself with finding my missing Rudolph sock.

But no, I live here in America. And I'm an Atheist (or, if that makes you uncomfortable, "A Terrible, Terrible Sinner"). Which means that ALL this holiday represents to me is a celebration of excess. It's all about how much food I can eat, how much money I can spend, and how many presents I can get.

And this year has been especially excessive. Six-thousand-nine-hundred-eighty-five Christmas carols and another three-hundred Christmas themed movies later and I THINK I GET IT!!!!, this is a magical time of year. But you know, I've been looking everywhere for present-bearing elves or talking reindeer, ready to settle even for some flying broomsticks or magic potions, but as far as magic goes, I have yet to find any. In fact, things feel so far from magical over here that I haven't once felt the Christmas spirit. So in honor of the un-merriness I feel tonight on this eve of the day that baby Jesus may or may not have been born depending on your personal beliefs, I have compiled my own Naughty List, of people, places, and things that have pissed me off as of recent:

1. Pantene Pro-V- Because I have tried no less than 75 different products on this hair:

and the only thing that I've found that produces shiny, bouncy, natural curls is Pantene Pro-V's leave in conditioner for curly hair (product not used in photo). But when I went to the store the other day to refill my supply I found that apparently Pantene has stopped making it.

2. Dunkin Donuts- Because I have a sinking suspicion that they have decided to discontinue their Vanilla Chai drink. Damn you Dunkin Donuts! What? The twice a month I go and buy a small Vanilla Chai isn't enough to justify continuing the product? Now how am I going to fulfill my warm-caffeine-that-tastes-like-a-sugar-cookie fix, huh? How?!!!

3. My Period- Because it never knows when it's coming or going. It starts and stops any ol' time it wants then waits until I'm standing in the middle of the supermarket on the busiest shopping day of the year, wearing white pants to decide that, 'Yes, now is the time I will come gushing out like Niagra Falls.'

4. The Lady In Front Of Me In Line At The Supermarket- For insisting on teaching your child how to pay for that $4.94 gift in exact change using only nickles, dimes, and pennies while I stood there getting period all over my white pants.

5. The Litterbox- For not being self-cleaning.

and finally,

6. Christmas Itself- Because I have spent close to $300.00 on things that are not for me. And I'm pretty sure I won't make that money back selling all the presents I receive on Ebay come January.

Pining For A Warmer Time

You and me both honey, me and you both.

December 21, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Some days you just can't hide the crazy inside no matter how hard you try. It just starts creeping out of your eyes, nose and MOUTH without warning, for the whole world, and more importantly, your boss, to see.

Hot Cross Buns!

Reason number 634 why my son is the most awesome.

December 18, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: For the record, if you send someone a message on myspace and then erase it from your sent-box before they read it, they will still get the message. So put that wishful thinking aside, little bird. You don't have a chance.

And didn't we talk about this already? Stop freakin' myspace stalking him!!!!! NOW!

December 17, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Ex-boyfriends make no sense. It can be argued that this is true of all men, but ex-boyfriends in particular are very good at being senseless.

A Recent Conversation About Boogers

"Ewww your nose is full of boogers."

"I know. Did you know that sometimes you can suck the boogers back into your mouth and swallow them?"

"Uh that's disgusting. You're supposed to blow them out, not suck them in."

"No, I can blow them out of my mouth too. Look I'll show you."

And then he demonstrated.

Ughhhh..... six year olds are so disgusting.

Hugh Hefner's Son

Actually, I'm pretty sure Hugh Hefner is a better person than his real father.

And It's Time To Take It Off Now

Yeah I wore my sweater backwards all day. I realized the mistake halfway through but made no effort to change it. And that's just how I roll.

December 12, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: When in doubt, sing. Sing loud and off-key.

What My Bed Looked Like Last Night

Enough said.

I'll Take Kitchen Appliances For 500, Please

Dear Ex- Boyfriend,

Eventually,
there'll come a day
when I can give
the things you left away.

There'll be a time
when your stuff I pack
you'll get your toothbrush
and your t-shirts back.

I'll let go of the photos,
love letters and cards,
your deodorant, your books,
no matter how hard.

I'll learn to deal
without your smile
I'll erase the messages
and all the old emails.

But dear ex-boyfriend
Not to talk smack
but there's one thing
you won't get back.

You left it here
so I could cook for you
I wasn't sure
but it's proven tried and true.

And now my feelings
for it are hot
and you ain't getting it back,
Be-otch!

Soups and puddings
porridge and stew
It does things no other
appliance can do.

It's made for ease,
supports my lazy ways
I can leave food cooking
in there for days.

In closing, my dear
whether you come back or not
plan on buying yourself
a new Crock Pot.

-Yours Truly

(And yes, I realize I just wrote a poem- albeit a poorly written one, about a slow cooker. But it was totally worth the forty-five minutes it took. It really is that awesome.)

The Shortest Reindeer

Wait, are those Christmas bells I hear?

What The Note "The Kid" Just Wrote And Gave To Me Says:

"I know you think I am young but I am more powerful then the powerfulist superhero."





And now he's trying to prove it by beating the wall with HIS BARE HANDS and roughing up his bean bag chair while roaring on the top of his lungs.

December 6, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: When all else fails, go out for Italian.


(And I mean the men of course, not the food.)

Letter to Man-Friend, 12/6/07

Dear Man-Friend,

I have to tell you that I take issue with the fact that you feel the need to tell me to stop drinking. That you call me selfish and irresponsible for it. I have to tell you that it really makes me want to tell you to go fuck off for even daring to tell me how to deal with this situation that you've put me in.

And while we're at it, how dare you come into my life, prancing around with all your fancy suits and flowers and Big Macs? How dare you wiggle your way into my heart and Jacquai's heart without even giving us any warning? How dare you make me love you and not even tell me what was happening until it was too late for me to stop it?

And then to leave. How dare you pick up and leave like that, out of the blue, just one day, get up and go and take my heart with you? And then tell me you miss me. Well guess what? I miss me too. I miss the woman who enjoyed getting up in the morning, the one who was laughing all the time, the one who would sigh whenever she heard your name. That woman was something. She was going places, she was going to make it. And now, right now, I can't seem to find her. Hopefully she'll be back soon but for now, it appears that she left right along with you and forgot to leave any forwarding address.

And now I wake up every morning in tears with you on my mind, plagued with the dreams of you I had all night. Whether they're good or bad, whether you're the whole dream or you're just there walking besides me, you're always, every night, there. And I wake up and have to accept that it was just a dream and you're not really here. And I have to drag myself out of bed and crawl across that floor and pull myself up every morning and just try to breathe.

And life goes on. Sure it does. My world keeps turning, my kid keeps laughing, work keeps coming. But every day I go around with this little cloud hanging over my head and my god, if it won't stop raining on me! And I know it'll all be okay and I'll get through this. But right now I'm just waiting. Waiting for something, for anything. Waiting for the night time, hoping maybe you'll call. But you don't call. And then I lay my head down on that pillow and cry. And sometimes, sometimes when it's all just too much, sometimes I have a drink. And then I close my eyes and dream of you all over again.

So fuck you for feeling like you need to lecture me and to come here and tell me that I need to stop drinking because this is not how I should be dealing with the situation. Fuck you for laying in my brand new sheets and comforter and leaving them smelling like you. Fuck you for hugging me and holding my hand. But most of all, fuck you for leaving. And for making me have to let you go all over again.


-Yvonne

Was Taking A Very Nice Nap, Thank You Very Much

Until that lady started flashing the lights in my eyes.

Ba Humbug!!!

I know, I know, this is my fourth post today. I'm on a freakin blogging role! But I just felt the need to point out that my son just informed me that he likes Santa and me 'the same'.

What?

That guy brings you presents once a year whereas I bring you presents all the time! Sure, sometimes my presents are socks and school supplies, but come on kid, the thought is there. And Santa Claus sure as hell don't kiss and hug you all the time or FEED YOU for that matter! But no, the guy drops down the chimney and leaves you a scooter one time and all of the sudden we're equals. Well ba humbug to you my dear son! Ba humbug to you!!!

Also, if anyone wants a real live paper Christmas card with our pictures :) on it!, email me your name and address and I'll send you one if we have enough left over, and since I ordered 150, I think we'll probably have enough left over.

December 5, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Thou shall make a conscious effort to do anything you need to do in the bathroom before The Kid goes in there. Because after he's done doing his business, you won't be able to enter (or walk by the door for that matter) for at least forty minutes.

Conversing With The Angels

December 4, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Sometimes, something bad happens and you can deal with it by looking on the bright side and seeing the all the good that came out if it. Other times, something bad happens and you kick and scream and learn to fight back. And then there are those times when something bad happens and there's nothing you really can do except say "Fuck it" and start drinking at noon.

The Place Where Toys Go To Die

December 3, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Tying leaves back onto the branches will NOT prevent (stupid, stupid) winter from coming

Mission Unsuccessful

My efforts were obviously in vain.

Oh winter, why do you treat me so cold?

And I Swear This Is The Last Time I'll Talk About It

Although I know I've talked about my brand new bedding here, here, and here, which, even by my standards is a bit excessive, especially since I've only had it for a week, there's one thing I feel I haven't made clear enough. My new comforter is DOWN. Which means goose feathers. Having only experienced regular comforters until now- the ones that come in a bag with matching pillow cases and sham, I was never aware of what I was missing. But being the kind of person who needs at least 11 hours of sleep each night in order to form coherent sentences and not mumble things like "Biggle Muffer school bus, ready bubble get gum kid Now!" at my son in the morning, I felt like it was time to make my bed a little more conducive to that activity. Especially since it appears that sleep will be the only activity taking place in my bed from now on. (Can you hear my girl parts crying? I can.)

So I went to Linens and Things last week because they were having a sale on down comforters and I'm a sucker for sales. I spent two hours in the down comforter aisle discussing fill power and Hungarian Down with three other ladies and a very bored salesgirl. I really wanted the extra warmth blanket but they were all out of those so I had to settle on the medium warmth one. This really worried me because I'm an unusually cold person. Seriously. Unusually. Cold.

I've been sleeping with three blankets and a coat every night for the past month.

I've been known to sit in a sauna with fleece pants and a long sleeved shirt on and not even break a sweat. While everyone around me melts into naked puddles of flesh, I'm sitting there thinking that this must be what heaven feels like.

I spend the months of September to June constantly checking the tip of my nose because it's so cold that I think it might have frozen and fallen off when I wasn't paying attention.

Seriously. Unusually. Cold.

But as I soon learned, one medium warmth down comforter by Eddie Bauer is comparable to FIVE regular comforters, and not only do I not need to wear a coat to bed, I can now wear nothing to bed. And since naked is my absolute favorite way to sleep but is something that I'm normally limited to doing only during the month of August, the thrill of this is almost too much to bear. And I swear to you, I can now understand why toddlers carry around those ratty little blankies all the time, because I am now filled with so much love for my new comforter that I too have considered taking it with me everywhere I go, sucking on the corner, and calling it my 'Wubby'.

Will Taste Better After They're Cooked

Apple pies baked for the clients at this wonderful organization.

And for the record, I had nothing to do with the making of any of these.

December 1, 2007: Lesson Of The Day

Lesson Of The Day: Some people are just always going to be idiots. No matter what they do or don't do, it won't change, they'll just be idiots. Forever.

Say it with me now. "I WILL NOT be one of those people."

Right After He Stuck His Finger In The Electric Socket