The Naughty List

It's days like today that I wish I was a Jehovah's Witness.

Or Muslim.

Or Jewish.

It's days like today that I wish I lived in some third world country where they've never heard of Santa Claus, where they haven't been playing Christmas carols and showing Christmas movies for the past four months, where they don't encourage people to buy $30,000 cars as Christmas gifts, and where I wouldn't be haunted by the same blinking, caroling robot Santa in my dreams every night in December. If I lived in a third world country, I'd be too busy worrying about when my next meal was coming to concern myself with finding my missing Rudolph sock.

But no, I live here in America. And I'm an Atheist (or, if that makes you uncomfortable, "A Terrible, Terrible Sinner"). Which means that ALL this holiday represents to me is a celebration of excess. It's all about how much food I can eat, how much money I can spend, and how many presents I can get.

And this year has been especially excessive. Six-thousand-nine-hundred-eighty-five Christmas carols and another three-hundred Christmas themed movies later and I THINK I GET IT!!!!, this is a magical time of year. But you know, I've been looking everywhere for present-bearing elves or talking reindeer, ready to settle even for some flying broomsticks or magic potions, but as far as magic goes, I have yet to find any. In fact, things feel so far from magical over here that I haven't once felt the Christmas spirit. So in honor of the un-merriness I feel tonight on this eve of the day that baby Jesus may or may not have been born depending on your personal beliefs, I have compiled my own Naughty List, of people, places, and things that have pissed me off as of recent:

1. Pantene Pro-V- Because I have tried no less than 75 different products on this hair:

and the only thing that I've found that produces shiny, bouncy, natural curls is Pantene Pro-V's leave in conditioner for curly hair (product not used in photo). But when I went to the store the other day to refill my supply I found that apparently Pantene has stopped making it.

2. Dunkin Donuts- Because I have a sinking suspicion that they have decided to discontinue their Vanilla Chai drink. Damn you Dunkin Donuts! What? The twice a month I go and buy a small Vanilla Chai isn't enough to justify continuing the product? Now how am I going to fulfill my warm-caffeine-that-tastes-like-a-sugar-cookie fix, huh? How?!!!

3. My Period- Because it never knows when it's coming or going. It starts and stops any ol' time it wants then waits until I'm standing in the middle of the supermarket on the busiest shopping day of the year, wearing white pants to decide that, 'Yes, now is the time I will come gushing out like Niagra Falls.'

4. The Lady In Front Of Me In Line At The Supermarket- For insisting on teaching your child how to pay for that $4.94 gift in exact change using only nickles, dimes, and pennies while I stood there getting period all over my white pants.

5. The Litterbox- For not being self-cleaning.

and finally,

6. Christmas Itself- Because I have spent close to $300.00 on things that are not for me. And I'm pretty sure I won't make that money back selling all the presents I receive on Ebay come January.